You Do You


I am not one to question my abilities or self worth but over these past weeks it just somehow happened.
I was busy comparing myself to others and trying to be someone that I wasn't. 
That entire process was giving me much unneeded anxiety and stress. 

 I was too busy with school and life that I forgot about the most important thing.
I forgot who I was before people started telling me who I was supposed to be.
I forgot about my dreams and passions.
I forgot where I came from.
I forgot about me. 
I forgot to love myself.

 It feels awful to constantly compare and change yourself. 
So spare yourself of this complication and learn to love yourself.

 Everyone is different. And you should embrace it. 
Take time to learn about yourself.
Learn what drives you forward, what makes you mad, what makes you want to run around in circles and scream over and over again.

Define Your Own Success


As a university student, I get the question "What do you want to do in the future?" quite often. I am also guilty of imposing that question on others as well. 

And guess what?

 I have no idea.

 I picked my major just because science seemed boring and society has taught me that an arts degree leads to nothing. 

 So here I am, pursing a business major.

 Sometimes I wonder if I am even on the right track. I look at these other business students that are juggling clubs, academics, work, a social life and I feel like a potato.

 From day one, you are told to join clubs, become involved in the business community, compete in case competitions, do international exchange, engage in co-op ... etc. So far, I have only checked off one of those things on the list.

For me, it does not matter whether or not I have checked off every single activity off the list. But instead what matters most is how I perceive myself and how content I am with my own progress.

However being in business has really changed my definition of success. I find myself doing things just for the sake of it. Attending business conferences just so I can expand my network. Applying for clubs just so it looks good on my resume for co-op. I ask myself, 
"Do I really enjoy doing these things, or have I succumbed to society's definition of 'success'?"

There is a constant battle between doing things because I enjoy it and doing things because I can finally reply when I am asked how my business career is coming along.

I do enjoy studying business, but I don't enjoy the 'requirements' that comes along with it. 

Take What You Need.



Inspired from Tumblr 
Yesterday amidst studying, I came up with a brilliant idea to make some posters as seen above. The first time I've seen such a poster was on my Tumblr dashboard. At the time, I thought wow, what a great way to spread love. 

Everyone is going through different stages in life and you never know what they are feeling. Especially with finals coming up, this can be a stressful time. And though this may not have a significant impact, it can still brighten someone's day. To let them know that it is okay to feel this way and that we are all in this together.

I put these up at various locations at school and I was relieved to find that people actually took some of the tabs. I hope that was able to help someone.

If I had to pick one thing that I needed, I would choose .... confidence. Confidence in myself that I am going in the right direction.

Take a Breather

Iona Beach
With my midterms out of the way, I decided to let loose and unwind from all the stress. My boyfriend and I discovered this hidden beach during one of our midnight car adventures. We were unable to get there last time because we thought we were heading the wrong way when indeed it was just right around the corner. Thankfully this time we did manage to find our way there. 

The view was spectacular. With the sun reflecting off the water, it created a beautiful glow. And despite the fact that I trekked in my heeled boots, it was worth it. I also lost my U-pass on the way, but who's counting?

It was nice to take a break from reality.

Waves

















Do you ever get washed over by a sudden wave of sadness?
One moment you are fine and then the next, you get smacked in the face by a raging wave.
You try to swim to the top but no matter how much effort you put in, you manage to drown. The sadness just imposes itself upon you. Filling your soul, filling in all the holes and crevices in your heart. And in that moment, all the happiness you felt minutes before disappears into dust.

That was what I had felt today.

Just to clear things up, I am a very cheerful and positive person most of the time. I do have my ups and downs but majority of the people never see my downs. They never see me in a gloomy, defeated, or depressed state. 

However, today I was in an intensively sad state. I can't be too sure for the reason but I know it relates to my friend's recent breakup. I am stuck in between both of them. Stuck listening to both sides of the story and providing them with advice. Don't get me wrong, I love to help people but this has consumed my life for the past few days. With both parties messaging me and even video chatting me about their problems, it becomes unbearable to take it all in. Somehow the pain from their breakup had relocated itself onto me. I took their problem in as mines. As if I was the one dealing with a shattered relationship.

And so I broke down.
To make matters worse, I just had to cry right in front of my boyfriend.
I probably worried him. 
Sorry Derek!!!

When I feel sad, I feel utter sadness. Suicidal sadness is how I would describe it. That is when I have the urge to jump off a cliff or smash my head into a wall to stop that feeling. I had my boyfriend by my side so I didn't do any of those things. Nor did I have the courage to do those. I hate that feeling. I despise it. I always try my best to look at the brighter side of things, to be an optimistic person. But sometimes you can't win.

It amazes me how many ends of the spectrum I can feel in a day. Just when I woke up I was feeling happy and 3 hours later I was in a depressive mood. 5 hours later of mourning, I was able to smile and crack jokes. 

One hell of a roller coaster ride to say at the very least.

19


Just yesterday I turned 19. I've been anticipating my birthday for a while.
It's like you level up in life once you become 19. It opens a door to endless possibilities. I am now able to buy alcohol,  gamble, club ... etc. (Which of all will be included in my 19 festivities list.)
However once the clock struck 12, I was hit by a realization:
I am an adult. 
I have step foot into adulthood.
When I hear the term adult, I envision someone who has their entire life planned out. Someone who has a sense of direction. Someone who knows their purpose in life.

And that someone is not me.

Strangely enough, that thought doesn't scare me as much anymore.

19 gifts from Priscilla
If anything, I have this book to live by. 

Sunny Side Up


Marshmallow clouds
This was taken a while back from my family trip to Guangzhou in August. I've been to Guangzhou countless times but it never ceases to amaze me how metropolitan the city is. There are so many places to see, so many places to shop and, of course, so many places to eat. 
I love how the sun just peaks through the clouds, giving it a realistic effect . Almost as if I could reach out any moment and feel the sun rays.
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