Waves
Do you ever get washed over by a sudden wave of sadness?
One moment you are fine and then the next, you get smacked in the face by a raging wave.
You try to swim to the top but no matter how much effort you put in, you manage to drown. The sadness just imposes itself upon you. Filling your soul, filling in all the holes and crevices in your heart. And in that moment, all the happiness you felt minutes before disappears into dust.
That was what I had felt today.
Just to clear things up, I am a very cheerful and positive person most of the time. I do have my ups and downs but majority of the people never see my downs. They never see me in a gloomy, defeated, or depressed state.
However, today I was in an intensively sad state. I can't be too sure for the reason but I know it relates to my friend's recent breakup. I am stuck in between both of them. Stuck listening to both sides of the story and providing them with advice. Don't get me wrong, I love to help people but this has consumed my life for the past few days. With both parties messaging me and even video chatting me about their problems, it becomes unbearable to take it all in. Somehow the pain from their breakup had relocated itself onto me. I took their problem in as mines. As if I was the one dealing with a shattered relationship.
And so I broke down.
To make matters worse, I just had to cry right in front of my boyfriend.
I probably worried him.
Sorry Derek!!!
When I feel sad, I feel utter sadness. Suicidal sadness is how I would describe it. That is when I have the urge to jump off a cliff or smash my head into a wall to stop that feeling. I had my boyfriend by my side so I didn't do any of those things. Nor did I have the courage to do those. I hate that feeling. I despise it. I always try my best to look at the brighter side of things, to be an optimistic person. But sometimes you can't win.
It amazes me how many ends of the spectrum I can feel in a day. Just when I woke up I was feeling happy and 3 hours later I was in a depressive mood. 5 hours later of mourning, I was able to smile and crack jokes.
One hell of a roller coaster ride to say at the very least.
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